In my journey to gain parental understanding and broaden my horizon, I've happened across some amazing articles and I've happened across some lacking ones as well. An article I discovered earlier today reminded we why it is so important to me to plan motherhood in advance: Article after article floating around online highlight what mothers view as "worthy" lessons to teach their daughters. Don't get me wrong - I'm a lover of someone who takes the time and effort to plan out, in writing, how to be a good parent. Despite this openness I've been highly disappointed in the things I've read from these articles. Upon exploring the "things I want to teach my daughter" search on Google I found a handful of head-shake invoking posts. These are some examples of the "lessons" I found:
"Don’t scrimp on wine,
perfume, or handbags. They say a lot about a woman."
"Don’t
sleep around. Guys may have fun with sluts, but they don’t marry them."
"Do
not take sex lightly."
"Men
are effectively idiots until the age of 26."
"A
smoothie is not a meal."
"Rules
are made to be broken. Except mine."
"If
you’re not married to him, don’t have unprotected sex with him."
"Don’t
gossip. Except with me. I love that stuff."
"Just
because you can fit in the extra-small, doesn’t mean you should be wearing
it."
"Your body is yours. Save it to give to your husband. It will be worth it."
"Read everything by Nicholas Sparks."
"As much as I want you to be happy, it is not my number one concern. Your growth as a Godly woman is."
"Your body is yours. Save it to give to your husband. It will be worth it."
"Read everything by Nicholas Sparks."
"As much as I want you to be happy, it is not my number one concern. Your growth as a Godly woman is."
“For every slice of pizza you
eat, you will need to run 30 minutes to burn it off. Two slices equals an hour.
Three slices? An hour and a half. You get the idea. That doesn’t include the
beer.”
I had to stop and ask myself, "Are these REALLY the things that we want to be teaching our daughters?" The answer is no. We don't need to teach our daughters about petty things. We don't need them to think that wine, perfume, or handbags say a lot about their character. We don't need to encourage them to shame others who are open with their sexuality. We don't need to generalize men and cripple their ability to see that those of the opposite sex are fully capable of being thoughtful, considerate, and fully responsible human beings.
My issue with these articles is that they promote life lessons that are easily learned and distributed by most mothers. What we have to offer our daughters is much, much more than simply beauty secrets, blind faith, and advice on not "getting fat." We have depth inside of our hearts and souls and minds that our daughters deserve to be able to tap into - That's how we're going to raise a generation of strong, loving, and kind women. We should be teaching our daughters how to be strong, how to love without hesitation, and how to live life to the fullest of their ability. In response to the articles I found I created a list of my very own, one that represents the type of mother and person I aspire to be. You can find it below.
1.
First of all, Mom doesn’t
always know best. I will spend my life learning from you just as much as you
will spend yours learning from me.
2.
Above all, “Re-examine what you have been told.
Dismiss what insults your soul.” - Walt Whitman
3.
I will not be insulted by your full, unguarded
opinion. Never feel the need to sugar coat.
4.
If you want to curse, curse. Curse loudly. Don’t
let anyone tell you that a word defines you, makes you less of a woman, or will
be marked against you eternally.
5.
Beauty is a state of mind. Your body is merely a
vessel to carry your beautiful soul. Spend your time decorating your soul, and
beauty will forever be yours, whether you’re fifteen or fifty-two.
6.
Your body is beautiful, strong, and capable,
regardless of what society will tell you.
7.
You are flawed – beautifully, wonderfully, and
uniquely flawed. Learn where your short-comings are and accept them. The world
isn’t always kind and will find ways to use your flaws against you regardless
of if you do or don’t deny them.
8.
You are not your large breasts. You are not your
large bum. You are not the tininess of your waist nor the curvature of your
thighs. You are not your lack of either.
9.
Never be afraid to try something new, even if
that something new is scary and intimidating.
10. Happiness is all about balance.
11. If you want to do it, it’s never a waste of time.
12. If you want to dye your hair blue and pink, do it. Explore
who you want to be.
13. You will never understand the opposite sex. You will probably
never understand the same sex. People are confusing. Don’t spend your life
trying to explain their behavior.
14. Learn that ignorance doesn’t necessarily equate to stupidity.
15. You are your truest and most dependable friend. Love yourself.
16. If you feel alone, get a cat. Get five cats. They’ll be your
best friends and they won’t ever forsake you.
17. You are not better than anyone else, and no one is better
than you.
18. One of the best traits you can possess is that of a good
listener.
19. Find people that you can pour your soul out onto without
worrying about the mess you’ve made.
20. Don’t judge a book by its cover. There is depth inside every
person that you could never fully grasp.
21. If you are happy, I will never be disappointed in you.
22. Never deny yourself something that you think about more than
once a day (unless that thing is bad for you in the long run).
23. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to get help.
24. Never buy a scale. Happiness cannot be measured in your
gravitational pull.
25. Spend your life challenging yourself. A still, comfortable
life never breeds growth.
26. Sometimes ice cream is the only band-aid that will bandage
your weary soul. Never feel guilty for allowing Ben & Jerry to put their
arms around you and nurse you back to feeling whole again.
27. Food may only be a temporary fix, but it’s a damn good one.
28. Enjoy every bite of every meal. Being able to eat regularly
and things we enjoy is a luxury that many don’t have.
29. You don’t have to have children to know how you want to raise
them.
30. Losing weight will not make you happy. Aim for healthiness
because it will extend your life and your body will appreciate that much, much
more than beating yourself up over a desired skinny frame when that’s not your
natural state. Exercise to be strong and healthy.
31. Don’t get pulled into useless drama. It's honestly all some
people live for.
32. Be happy with the body you have at your most healthy.
33. Real women are women of any size. There are no guidelines to
being a woman and the handbook for becoming a “real woman” doesn’t exist.
34. Everyone has stretch marks and no one who matters gives a
shit about them.
35. You don’t need a spouse to feel whole. If there’s emptiness
inside of you, fill it with knowledge and the world. When you are no longer
empty inside, you are ready to give yourself to another person.
36. Practice unconditional love, no matter how hard it is. Expect
to be hurt and accept the hurt as a learning experience.
37. Never let anyone use you. Never use anyone else.
38. You don’t need anything that is held over your head.
39. There is beauty everywhere, you only have to look for it.
40. Life is more important than money. Go out with friends, go
dancing too much, splurge on bath bombs, don’t work too hard. Money won’t make
you happy but memories will.
41. You are not your career. You don’t have to have a career to
be worthy.
42. Your GPA does not define you.
43. Unfortunately your GPA does define your ability to progress
academically. Be sure to keep your grades up, but don’t make school your life.
You are more than a number or letter grade on a piece of paper.
44. A grade on an exam cannot accurately represent the amount of
knowledge you possess.
45. Try to be laid back, even when life gets stressful. Being
mellow and going with the flow is much easier than being anxious over every
detail that goes wrong.
46. Don’t be afraid to make friends online. Keep up with them,
visit them, and broaden your horizon.
47. You are not the extra slice of pizza you ate and you are not
your choice to have a salad. Food is to sustain your body and soul and nothing
more. You deserve to enjoy it.
48. Intimacy comes in many shapes and sizes. Never discount a
quiet evening with soft music and someone to share your heart with.
49. Always tell the truth. Honesty will get you places in life
that pretty lies never will. You will excel in relationships that are built on
honesty and love.
50. It’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to be brave.
51. Never call yourself ugly. When you’re tempted to do so, read
this: “It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don't
really see ourselves. We don't watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up
silent with our chests rising & falling with our own rhythm. We don't see
ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don't see yourself
looking at someone with love and care in your heart. There's no mirror in your
way when your laughing and smiling and pure happiness is leaking out of you.
You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in
the moments where you are truly your authentic self.”
52. Don’t use words that hurt other people. Remove ugly from your
vocabulary and celebrate the beauty in the uniqueness of every individual
person, even if they aren’t quite your cup of tea.
53. There are indeed other fish in the sea, but if that’s the
fish you truly want, don’t let it swim away forever.
54. Pray if you want to, accept prayers even if you don’t. You
don’t have to practice religion to appreciate someone taking time out of their
day to send positive vibes in your direction.
55. Coconut oil will fix everything. Put it on your face, your
hair, your body, your food.
56. Your eyes are galaxies full of depth, mystery and desire.
Never let someone tell you that they’re only blue/green/brown/hazel.
57. Never stop seeking answers, never stop asking questions.
58. You don’t have to be a “good girl” if you don’t want to.
59. In fact, you don’t have to accept any label given to you. You
are only you, and simple, generalized words such as good or bad could never
encompass the entirety of your heart and soul and mind.
60. Everyone makes mistakes and the best mistakes are ones that
are learned from. Never regret your mistakes. Appreciate the person that
they’ve crafted you into.
61. Never feel guilty for treating yourself. If you want to buy
the $50 mascara, buy it. If you want an extra cookie, eat it. If you want to
splurge on an expensive product, do it. You deserve only the best.
62. Your body is yours and yours alone. It does not belong to any
man, woman, parent, friend, society, or god.
63. Your body is a gift and you have the right to present it to
whomever you feel is deserving.
64. Don’t allow someone to pressure you to do anything,
especially sex.
65. You control your reality.
66. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice your control and melt into
someone else completely and entirely.
67. Don’t spend your life fearing loss of control because every
second that you spend doing so is a second of happiness and peace lost.
68. Love stories are all wrong. Don’t grow up believing that
you’ll be saved by Prince Charming. The best love stories end with you spending
your life with your best friend, laughing at each other’s farts, and falling
asleep holding one another night after night.
69. Prince Charming is the most crippling myth society has ever
given us.
70. Love is tricky and painful and scary. It will never be easy,
but it will always be worth it.
71. Never give up on someone you can’t go an entire day without
thinking of.
72. There’s no man in the world that will love you more than your
father.
73. Men are in complete control of their every desire and action.
Never let a man tell you that he “just couldn’t help himself.” Hold him
accountable for his decisions.
74. If someone loves you and makes a mistake, forgive them. Just
be careful to not spend your life forgiving them for unforgivable things.
75. Your time is the most valuable gift you can give someone.
76. Patience is a virtue that will reward you lifelong.
77. You are always capable of change. Your abilities are not
fixed.
78. Travel as much as possible. Don’t worry about money.
Experience places, live in the streets, live out of your car, not know where
you’re going to end up tomorrow.
79. Feel all of your emotions fully and savor them. Let them pass
when they should and don’t allow them to linger.
80. Don’t ever compare yourself to anyone else. You are a much
better you than anyone else could ever be.
81. Everyone struggles. Be kind to those around you because you
never know if they’re fighting to stay above the current.
82. Rules are made to be broken. Even mine. Prove me wrong.
83. A true friend won’t be afraid to call you out on your
bullshit. Friendship is an amazing, clarifying thing. Never write someone off
for being honest with you.
84. It’s perfectly okay to be sad, it’s perfectly okay to be
heartbroken, and big girls DO cry.
85. Never let anyone blame your reactions on PMS. Your period
does not turn you into a raging, murderous monster once a month – it merely
makes you less likely to quietly take other people’s shit.
86. Periods are not disgusting – they’re a part of life. Embrace
your womanhood.
87. You don’t have to be dainty.
88. If you want a huge burger on the first date, get one.
89. Don’t change your identity for the person you’re dating.
After a while they’ll realize that you were only pretending and it can be
heavily disappointing for both parties.
90. Never let a man tell you that you’ve friend-zoned him. If
your friendship is worth that little to him, take it and leave. Don’t be afraid
to flip him the bird in the process.
91. Lipstick will look perfect on you, regardless of the shade or
your insecurities.
92. Don’t be afraid to tell anyone no, even if it’s me.
93. Don’t offer an explanation for your choices. You don’t have
to.
94. Wear makeup to enhance your beauty, not to hide from the
world.
95. You don’t have to be pretty for anyone but yourself.
96. Don’t be afraid to wear sweatpants and t-shirts to school. No
one will remember what you wore ten years from now and being comfy is more
important than being put-together.
97. Do everything with your friends. Sneak out of the house, get
into trouble, drive with the windows down, laugh until you’re rolling and
crying on the floor, smoke for fun, drink a little too much. Don’t be afraid to
live.
98. Alcohol will never solve anything. It actually will probably
make the situation worse. Have a drink to enjoy yourself, not to escape from
the world.
99. Sometimes you just have to roll up a blunt and relax. Never
let anyone tell you that marijuana is worse than alcohol.
100. If you don’t want to smoke or drink, don’t. You
dictate your choices.
101. Never be afraid to call me to pick you up after
you’ve been drinking.
102. Never be afraid to experiment. If you’re not
sure, ask my opinion. I’ll promise to not mislead you.
103. Make me angry. Make me worry. Keep me on the edge
of my seat.
104. Don’t accept any expectation that you don’t want
on you. You don’t have to be anyone’s reason to live unless you want to.
105. Fat is not an insult. You may have fat, but your
fat is not you.
106. Don’t shame anyone for their sexuality. Separate
yourself from the words “slut” and “whore.”
107. STDs can happen. Protect yourself, but know that
an STD doesn’t define you or make you a disgusting or bad person.
108. Never make a statement about something you don’t
fully understand.
109. Tattoos are permanent. Think long and hard before
you put something on your body that you might hate in the future.
110. If you’re positive you want that tattoo, get it.
Decorate your body how you please.
111. Expect the best from everyone. Don’t accept
anything but the best from everyone.
112. Never forget to give a birthday gift, even if you
can’t afford it.
113. Be stubborn and faithful to your opinions.
114. When you are proved wrong, don’t fight it. Always
listen to the opposing argument. Opinions can change and others can teach you.
115. School will never teach you the things in life
that you truly need to know. Don’t ever turn down a chance to learn how to
budget, change a tire, or get life experience.
116. There’s no such thing as perfect in any aspect of
our world. The search for perfection is a fruitless journey.
117. Don’t waste your energy on yelling at other
people. Lay your arguments out calmly and strategically, and be sure to be
careful with your words because they could easily come back to haunt you.
118. If you need to scream, scream. Don’t scream at
people you love. Give your anger to the universe and then let peace wash over
you.
119. Always use birth control. Always be extra
careful. A child is a gift, but you deserve to live your own life and be
selfish and love yourself before having children of your own.
120. You don’t have to have children if you don’t want
to. You are not a utensil for bearing sons and daughters.
121. Your identity is more than just that of a sister,
daughter, and mother. You are not your relationships.
122. Never let anyone tell you that you take too many
photos. Take photos of sunsets, take photos of bugs on trees. Document every
second of your life and celebrate it.
123. On the contrary, don’t spend your life
documenting and simply forget to live in it.
124. Live in the present. If the past and the future
were places for you to be, we would have time machines.
125. The best therapist can be found in your best
friend.
126. If a man is intimidated by you, he is not the man
for you. Only allow a man who can accept and cherish your strength hold your
heart.
127. Wear what makes you feel the most beautiful, be
it tiny shorts or a head covering.
128. A smoothie doesn't have to be a meal, unless you
want it to be.
129. Treat sex however makes you comfortable, be it
saving yourself for marriage or exploring your partner on the first date.
130. Never let anyone tell you that you're to be
subservient.
131. You don't have to be modest.
132. Question everything, even me. Especially me.
133. Always be willing to learn.
134. Always be willing to argue.
135. Stick your tongue out at anyone who tells you
that "you have to be ladylike."
136. You are nobody's trophy and you don't have to be.
137. Never base your decisions on the opinions of
other people.
138. Never feel like you have to base your love of
another person on their physical gender. Love to love to love and love freely,
whomever you wish. I will always support you.
139. Only you have to live your own life, and you only
get to live it once. Make every decision your own and live for happiness to
spite those who disagree.
140. If you fail, try again. Keep trying.
141. Your worth is consistent and stable. It never
depends on the thoughts, actions, or words of other people, and it is NEVER
based on your failures.
142. Don’t be afraid to be wrong. When you’re wrong,
cast away your pride and admit it. It will save you thousands of worthless
battles.
143. Don't be afraid of your naked body. Everyone has
one and your personal choices regarding it are yours and yours alone.
144. Body hair doesn't make you disgusting. If the person you're with can't handle
a little hair on your legs, then they don't have the appropriate maturity level
to be with you. It is not your duty in life to be
“pure.” Pure does not exist.
145. We are all human and life is a
very, very un-pure accomplishment – We all do “dirty” things that we may not be
proud of in the future. Expect to get your hands dirty.
146. Your virginity or lack thereof
does not define you. You are not any more or less because you have or haven’t
chosen to take a sexual partner.
147. In fact, the concept of virginity
is a man-created fantasy. Don’t play into the belief that women have to be
chaste while men have the freedom to do as they please sexually.
148. Rape is one of the most heartbreaking
things on our planet, and it’s a control mechanism in the minds of sick people.
Don’t blame any victim, or blame yourself, for rape.
149. If
a man believes you’re less pure after he’s put his hands on you, he deserves no
place in your life. It’s his hand that he should be concerned with the purity
of instead of you.
150. No
one is lesser because of their gender, skin color, nationality, race, or
abilities.
151. Do
your research before you form an opinion.
152. If
you’ve made a mistake or hurt someone, always apologize. Never have too much
pride to heal the wounds that you’ve created.
153. Find
things that you’re passionate about and throw yourself into them 100%.
154. When
you’ve found your passions, make them your work. Don’t concern yourself with a
yearly salary – do what makes you happy. Do something that you’ll look forward
to waking up to every morning. You are not a slave to society.
155. You
can’t change the world and you don’t have to bear that weight on your
shoulders. Do what you can to change your own reality, and others will follow.
156. Be
a light in the world. Be someone that people are drawn to and someone that
people can pour their souls into without worry. Be the friend that you want to
have. “If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person.”
157. Forgiveness
is one of the hardest, most rewarding aspects of life. Forgive and forgive
often.
158. Just
because you’ve forgiven doesn’t mean you should forget.
159. Don’t
be afraid to question what you can’t see. Solid evidence rarely ever is proven
wrong.
160. Never
let yourself feel trapped – there is always a way out and you will find it, and
you WILL be happy again.
161. Mental
illness is not a fault of character. Mental illness is a real, painful, life-changing,
defining sickness and it cannot be controlled. Don’t ever discount anyone’s
struggle when they are the one that lives inside their mind – not you.
162. Addiction is a mental illness. Never look down on those who are victims to drug addiction. Addicts are not innately bad people underneath the drug - substances change the threads of who you are as a person. Addicts deserve help instead of condemnation.
162. Addiction is a mental illness. Never look down on those who are victims to drug addiction. Addicts are not innately bad people underneath the drug - substances change the threads of who you are as a person. Addicts deserve help instead of condemnation.
163. Never
lie about your age. Age gracefully. You don’t have to pretend you’re 29
forever.
164. You
don’t owe anyone shit and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
165. If
you want to show cleavage, show it. If anyone tells you to cover up, show more.
It’s your body and no one else in the world has the right to make you feel
ashamed of your natural and perfect human beauty.
166. You
are not a vessel for me to fulfill my lifelong dreams and fantasies – you are
your own unique, fully functioning person and I will not try to live vicariously
through you.
167. Make
the decisions that make you happy, not necessarily the ones that make me happy.
168. Romantic
relationships aren’t built on burning passion, constant love making, and
romantic-comedy heart wrenching quotes. You will cry, you will hurt, you will
sometimes be forced to move on for your own personal growth.
169. If
you choose to get married, marry your best friend. He or she will be able to
provide you with a life full of laughter and friendship that a passionate,
hot-headed relationship never could.
170. Always
stand up for your fellow human being. Don’t allow someone to be tread on,
abused, or hurt whether it be mentally, physically, or emotionally while in
your presence.
171. Know
that sometimes you can’t help everyone. Compassion is a virtue that will bring
you just as much pain as it does reward.
172. You
don’t need a hero to save you. You can always save yourself.
173. You
don’t have to wear pink if you don't want to. You don't have to like girly things if you don't want to. In fact, you don't have to be a girl if you don't want to. Be fluid if that's how you feel inside.
174. “A
girl should be two things: who and what she wants.” – Coco Chanel
175. I
will never take your fierceness personally. I will not label you a rebel. Your
life is always about you, not me. I will respect your decisions, as long as I
know they won’t hurt you.
176. Your
teenage years will not be a disease - you are just coming into your own, and sometimes it takes time and sometimes it hurts to grow.
177. I
will always, always, always be honest with you about sex, whether you’re 6 or
36 – None of this stork nonsense.
178. Never
ask a question that you aren’t emotionally ready to hear the answer to.
179. You
are not a princess. You are a queen, a warrior, a goddess, a leader, and a gift
to this world.
180. Never
be afraid to “talk back.” I can accept and respect that you also have a voice
and opinion and I will always be willing to hear it wholly.
181. You
catch more bees with honey than vinegar. Never let someone give you an attitude
– you always have the right to politely correct them until they get the message
that you’re not to be talked down to.
182. Helping
others is much more rewarding than helping yourself.
183. A
person’s character does not depend on how they treat others, but in how long
they can treat others with kindness while being mistreated.
184. Don’t
fall into the trap of “never trust a man who is unkind to his mother.” Blood
relation does not mean that you have to accept disrespect quietly.
185. Actions
always, always, always speak louder than words.
186. Never
get too busy to stop and appreciate wildflowers on the side of the road.
187. Guard
your secrets. They can very rarely be trusted with anyone else.
188. If
you have to convince yourself that you’re right, then you’re most likely wrong.
189. You
are never a liability or a burden. You are a valuable asset.
190. Don’t
ever let the opinion of anyone else affect your most important relationships.
Your heart is yours and yours alone, and you can follow it wherever it leads –
just know that you are responsible for that decision.
191. Don’t
allow anyone to generalize your spouse. You know much more about the depth of
their soul and what’s in their heart than anyone outside of you ever could.
Never trust those “things your men should/shouldn’t do” articles because they’re
all general and full of fantasy.
192. Time
spent reading is never time wasted.
193. Don’t
procrastinate. Don’t be late. Do everything before it’s due and do it well.
194. Don’t
be afraid to splurge on organic, additive-free, natural products, or fruits and
veggies. Cancer and disease cost more long term than the healthy things you put
into your body.
195. Aspire
to be healthy, but never be a slave to food. Eat the damn fifth slice of cake
if you want to.
196. "No problem can be solved
from the same level of consciousness that created it." Wise words to be
heeded from Albert Einstein.
197. Learn about science. Bask in the
wonders of this world and spend your time debating creationism and evolution
and all theories in between. There is much to be learned from your
surroundings.
198. Make this your life philosophy:
""I sit before flowers hoping they will train me in the art of
opening up. I stand on mountain tops believing that avalanches will teach me to
let go. I know nothing, but I am here to learn." - Shane Koyczan".
199. Study religions. Spend time with
people of faith. Make your decisions about religion when you're ready and based
on what makes your heart sing and your soul light. Never listen to anyone who
tells you that you're wrong for doing so.
200. Don’t be afraid to live in the
way that you feel is right for you.
201. Always be true to who you are
inside – You will always be loved.
